Giving Condolences: What Is The Best Way?
Each of us has to go to a funeral at some point, either because someone around us died or because we have to follow a relative or friend. Regardless, giving condolences is a situation we must face when we are there, whether it is for the deceased’s family or friends.
We can also bring our condolences even if we do not go to the funeral (especially now with the restrictions). But what are the best ways to offer condolences? Is it the same to do it by phone as in writing? What should we consider?
We’ll give you some ideas on how to do it. Most important of all, however, is to act honestly and express your feelings sympathetically, respecting and understanding the pain of the other person.
It’s about getting in touch with their pain and offering them your support and sympathy.
At the end of the article, we will also give you some introductory ideas on how to follow a person in their grieving process.
Different ways to give condolences
How to give condolences? First, we must distinguish between the different ways we can do it. It is not the same to give condolences in writing, as it is to give them by phone or in person.
To give condolences in writing
You can select (or even have no choice but to select) this option. This may be because you are unable to attend the memorial service or the funeral for a variety of reasons. In this case , you can decide to do it using a card or a letter of condolence.
Condolence cards are pictures that contain a few words of condolence along with a background drawing, usually flowers.
As for the letters, these are longer and more intimate. It all depends on the relationship you have with the person, and you can choose a letter over a card to empathize with the deceased’s family when you have not been able to follow them during this difficult time.
You must choose one or the other option, and take into account the relationship you have with the person you want to give your condolences to.
To give condolences on the phone
How about giving condolences over the phone? Although it may not be the best method in times of grief, we sometimes have no other options. Giving condolences via Facebook is usually very cold, so you should prioritize the use of the phone.
It is best to express your feelings honestly. You need to avoid using “typical”, empty sentences, and be as genuine as you can. You do not have to say too much. A simple ” I’m very sorry for your loss ” or ” I’m here for you” will express your feelings. This will also depend on the relationship you have with the person.
To give condolences in person
This is perhaps the most difficult way to offer condolences. However, again, you should choose naturalness and express what you feel with sincerity.
When you go to the place of mourning or the funeral to give your condolences, wait until there are no people around the family and when they seem to be reasonably calm.
There is no “right” sentence in these situations, although people usually often say things like ” I am here for you “. You can say this too, but try to add other words, something that comes from the heart.
We recommend (which you can also do on the phone) to ask the person if they need something, offer them your help and support, etc.. Depending on whether it is allowed during these pandemic times, and the relationship with the person, you can give them a hug, a kiss or a handshake.
How to follow someone in grief
In addition to giving condolences, we often have to face an even more complicated task – to follow a person in grief. This means not only trying to lift the mood, but as the psychologist, mediator and psychotherapist Luis Muiño suggests, “float” with the other person and follow them at their own pace.
According to him, there is no ideal universal technique to follow someone in their grief. However, he states that “The people who follow those who grieve best are those who have no expectations. ”
What does this mean? That means you want to adapt to what the other person needs. “Do you want to be home and cry? So let’s stay home. ” “Do you want to eat? Okay, let’s eat. ” “Do you want to party? Let’s go out then! ”
While this may seem simple, it is actually the most difficult thing to do. Why? Because it involves forgetting one’s own ego and expectations. It means forgetting the “techniques” that usually work for you and just saying I will adapt to what the other person does and needs. ”
“The rubber band effect”
On the other hand , you can also resort to the so-called “rubber band effect”. This means that you are connected to the other person, float with them, but let them fit in at the same time. Thus, when the person pulls you closer, you get closer, and when they prefer distance, you pull away.
We must respect the person’s rhythms, as there is nothing worse than needing a room for loneliness and not having it.
Giving condolences: A very personal touch
Having seen our advice on giving condolences, along with ideas on how to follow someone in their grief, you probably understand that there is no magic or universal formula.
Just use empathy and express your love for the other person. Giving condolences should not be taboo, nor should it be very artificial or prepared in advance.
It is about conveying to the other person that you feel the loss and that you are with them in the pain. With people closer to you, you will probably spend time talking to them and showing your love in appropriate ways. And that’s great.
In people who are not so close to us, we can choose the words ” condolences ” or “I apologize for your loss” , accompanied by a gesture of closeness like an arm around the shoulder.
Above all, you should not worry about breaking up when you are with the other person. Crying and suffering are completely understandable emotions when they face loss, and are part of the grieving process.
Besides, they are a way of saying to the other person, “ I am here. I feel your pain and I understand you. ” This will help you understand their feelings and the other person will feel that you have contact with them.
