Choosing A Life Partner – Desire Vs. Needs

When thinking about choosing a life partner, you must be open to “searching with the intention of finding”. Although it is obvious, many do the opposite, either out of fear or immaturity or unwillingness to commit. There are also many other reasons why a person may boycott such attempts.

It is thus important to choose based on personal desire and not on the need to have someone. This is because the latter is only a fear of being alone. People become desperate and will uncritically search for a person who can fill the void.

Choosing a life partner – loneliness

Personal loneliness seems to be the reason why people search for a life partner. Loneliness is usually associated with a feeling of devaluation, lack of acceptance, unwantedness, marginalization, isolation, rejection and abandonment. It is also related to sadness, frustration and depression.

You can see this way of thinking through history. Beginning with the biblical view that “it is not good for a man to be alone.” As you can see, loneliness is socially disliked. 

Of course, who would be in such a state when loneliness has so many negative attributes? The thing is, there is no absolute loneliness. You can feel alone when you are with others.

Loneliness within a relationship

One of the most difficult types of loneliness is longing for someone. This is because it creates and removes emotional needs from childhood.

Thus, there is also an influence from your surroundings. This is because, as the years go by, they keep reminding you that you are not in a relationship. In other words, that you do not have a family and children and many other things you ‘should’ have. Thus , everyone around you will eventually make you feel useless. Even more if most members of a group of friends are already married or expecting children. This is because they act as a mirror that shows you what you should want and not have.

This whole situation increases the tragic image of loneliness. It also affects your self-esteem because it confronts you with your perceived mistakes. A feeling that there is something you do not have, an outstanding debt. Then you become desperate. It becomes unbearable, and eventually you will try to escape from loneliness.

What happens then is that…

As you try to end the loneliness, you will find another person to fill that void. The loneliness inside yourself, mainly. This lack of critical thinking implies a connection to ghosts. They are the product of ideal projections, where the other person is not “the right one”, but only a recipient of the need you project.

Thus, a need reveals something you are missing. Because of this point, not having a partner does not mean that you are missing something specific. In general, people establish relationships because they are unable to live with themselves. Thus, they seek feedback from their partner. Finally, to confront their feelings of loneliness, they try to fill personal devaluation with recognition of each other.

You must remember that need leads to anxiety and outbursts of action. Thus, the fear of loneliness, lack of recognition and devaluation may lead you to establish toxic relationships.

Choose a life partner based on needs

When someone chooses a person based on need, they make a desperate move. In this, the protagonist is in a lower position because they put the other on a pedestal and seek their recognition. This is a bad love game and leads to marital alienation.

Situations of desperate choices become self-fulfilling prophecies. The lonely will end their loneliness so much that they never end up alone again. This is because these conditions have an expiration date that further increases the person’s feelings of loneliness.

The second form of loneliness

But there is another form of loneliness. This has roots in the form of healthy self-esteem that allows you to feel good and happy yourself.

A person with this form of self-esteem is independent. Not having a partner makes them someone who wants to share their valuable time with another. They are not stressed by anxiety and are not frustrated because they are fine and value themselves.

This happiness means that you value your time and space and really think twice before accepting an invasion or before involving someone in your free time. This is because you are on good terms with yourself, enjoying your free time and really, really appreciating it. This will make you more selective because you do not want to waste your time. It is not about going out into this territory as an act of defense, but spontaneously.

After all, loneliness is the best partnership, a fundamental addition to partnering with someone.

If you are trying to find a partner, you need to feel good about yourself as it is fundamental to your well-being.

Choose a life partner based on your wishes

Choosing a person based on desire gives you the opportunity to discriminate against what you want. You can see both their values ​​and weaknesses. They are neither virtuous nor defective in themselves, but only for a relationship with a specific person. That is, their personal, subjective attributes.

Choosing based on desire implies the acceptance of loneliness. If you feel good about yourself when you are alone, you will make good choices when it comes to sharing your valuable time.

It is thus clear that the acceptance and enjoyment of loneliness is a good starting point for choosing a life partner. And it is also possible to be careful when doing so.

But extreme caution can also lead to a defensive position where you may become a little too selective in your search. In fact, it is not difficult to move from defensive to phobic and end up lonely. 

Bad love games when it comes to choosing a life partner

It may sound judgmental or as a categorical imperative. But if you are looking for a disastrous relationship and dive into bad love games, then make your choice based on need. It is not the same to want to have a lover as to desperately need one. A longing person is not the same as a needy person.

Take, for example, this analogy. Need means sitting in a restaurant after three days without having eaten. Desperation leads you to eat whatever is in front of you. But if you eat a snack and then go to a restaurant, you will look closely at the menu and choose what you most want.

Feeling good about yourself and your loneliness is not exactly an indication of a right choice, but it may indicate that you are entering into a relationship free and without haste. It is to establish a choice from proportional symmetry and not out of a desperate attitude that makes you a victim of manipulation.

Idealization and realization

Choosing a life partner involves the choice of finding someone to whom you can place your devotion, but in two personal attributes. Either you only see their virtues and idealize them, or you analyze them carefully and consider both their virtues and their faults.

But let us make it clear that idealization corresponds to the first period of a relationship. Ratification is only possible in the next, although it does not always happen. This is because it involves seeing each other without filters.

Urge

This leads a person with deficiencies to project their emptiness into the search for a savior and an idealized being. What happens here is that the needy only connects to those parts of another that suit their needs. They only see what they want to see and trim away the rest. Thus, they deny the parts they dislike and plant a set of virtues that are not there, but that shape their ideal person.

Someone who wants to have a partner is more objective if their choice is subjective. They go right into it and are more critical. They have more clarity about who someone is, and they are more authentic.

In order to fall in love, of course, the balance between virtues and shortcomings must lean more strongly towards the former. This is a victory that will ensure a degree of success in a love affair. But it is no wonder that many insist on staying in a relationship even when what they dislike about the person remains.

Choosing a life partner – frustration

There are some who expect too much and then get disappointed when someone does not respond the way they want. Thus, they easily state their discomfort in a conversation. People who “fall in love” with ghosts build relationships based on their personal needs. 

These people are in pain and immerse themselves in the impossible task of trying to turn another person to their preferences without taking into account who their object of devotion really is. In this case, they are a person who constantly feels unqualified due to their partner’s insane demands to be someone they are not.

As you can see, a flirtation can lead to a relationship. This is the rite of passage from devotion to true love and thus a mature relationship. One where the lovers in silence agree on their love for each other and are patient more each other’s mistakes.