“Mom, I Do Not Need You “: Avoidance In Children

Attachment is an intense emotional bond that plays a major role in our relationships. Although there are some types that are harmful, attachment in itself is healthy and necessary. It develops in childhood, some of the most important, formative years in a person’s life. That is, if there has been any kind of negligence or harmful behavior during this period, avoidant attachment may occur.

If the environment we were raised in led us to develop this type of avoidant attachment, we will have many problems building healthy relationships. However, we will not be aware of all these problems until we reach adulthood. There are even adults with problems that are derived from their attachment style, who are not aware that this is what caused it.

When we go back to childhood, let’s think about how children adapt to the environment they were born into. Therefore, if the parents are too intrusive or too distant, they will develop defensive strategies to deal with it. One of these strategies is avoidant attachment.

Ainsworth’s experiment on avoidant attachment

Mary Ainsworth conducted several studies that led her to identify 3 types of attachment: avoidant, safe and ambivalent. Of them, only secure attachment is “ideal”. The rest are dysfunctional bitches.

When it comes to research into the first type of attachment, which we are looking at today, Ainsworth conducted an experiment called “strange situation”. In it, she studied the behavior of babies when they were separated from their mothers.

What Ainsworth discovered with his experiment was very revealing. The children became very easily angry, that is, they were very prone to anger. But they did something different from what children usually do: they did not look after their mothers when they needed them.

For example, a baby with a secure or healthy attachment is very likely to start crying when the mother leaves the room or moves away from them. But then if the mother comes back, they stop crying and start to feel safe, calm and happy.

This did not happen with babies with avoidant attachment. They were indifferent. They did not care if the mother came back or left. Therefore, they did not give them the security that every child demands.

The strangest thing about Ainsworth’s experiment is that children with this kind of avoidant attachment literally ignored their mothers. But with strangers, they were friendly, more social. Ainsworth concluded that because babies had not learned to communicate their emotional needs to their mothers (or if they did and it did not work), they learned not to need them.

Avoiding attachment and consequences in adulthood

Avoiding attachment has serious consequences for all adults. Although at this time there are several studies that have chosen to classify this type of attachment in two ways: dismissive-avoidant and fear-avoidant. Let’s see how these two perspectives affect avoidance attachment in adulthood.

People with dismissive-avoidant connections are usually very independent. In addition, they are considered self-sufficient. This causes them to reject anyone who has an intention to trust them. In the same way, they are reluctant to elaborate on relationships because they refuse to “connect” with anyone.

On the other hand, people with fear-avoiding attachments will be deeply intimate with others. But their fears always win. Therefore, it is difficult for them to trust other people, since there is a great fear inside them that they will be hurt. When they manage to have some intimacy with other people, they feel very uncomfortable.

People with avoidant attachment have great difficulty expressing their feelings. Refusing to associate with people is nothing more than a strategy to protect oneself from possible rejection. They have learned to defend themselves, to move on without the protection of their parents. That is why they have become self-sufficient. But even if it does not look like it, they suffer a lot.

Childhood is a very important stage. Ensuring a secure connection will help children become adults who have healthy relationships. If this does not happen, they will continue to act according to the strategies they learned as children to protect themselves. This is a situation that will become increasingly unbearable.