What Is Really Behind The Negative Tension In The Relationship?

Thanks to our idealized notion of love and self-help books that pretend we can live a stress-free life, it has become increasingly difficult to love. There is one thing that was better in the past: the way we coped with negative tension in the relationship. At least the couples did not see this as something extraordinary. They accepted it as normal.

Today the situation is quite different. It seems that we believe that there can be no problem for love to be real. Negative tension in the relationship is seen as a big red flag, which indicates that something is not right.

People now seem to be unable to accept the fact that when two people are in love, they can hurt each other. But one thing does not exclude the other. It is actually the opposite. Most of our relationships fall short when it comes to reaching our ideal. But they can still be strong and long lasting.

There is nothing new about starting a relationship. In fact, it’s more like picking up on a script we’re taking with us from the past. It’s the unfinished love story you’ve been writing since the moment you were born. There are all the failed or wonderful loves that are no longer there. You never enter into a new relationship completely fresh, like a blank canvas.

The roots of negative tension in the relationship

The first thing that leads to negative tension is a breakdown of romantic expectations. But this does not mean that the other person has done anything bad to you. What brings the races down, at least in part, is the bundle of dreams and goals you usually start a new relationship with. And it is even more true when you feel that you are with “the love of your life”.

It is perfectly normal to idealize the other person. It’s just part of the whole package of mental processes that starts when you fall in love. Some people do it more than others, but there is always at least a little in each case.

And it is also normal that there is a chain of small disappointments. You realize that the puzzle is actually missing some pieces. Contrary to what you first thought, this person is boring sometimes. They even annoy you sometimes. And maybe they are much more ordinary than it seemed in the beginning.

This is something that marks the beginning of the end for many new couples. For others, it is just a phase. True interest remains, and so does compatibility. This means that love is stronger than disappointment.

So then the tension in the relationship does not have to be more than just a roadblock. If a person decides to be dramatic about it, they will crash into their expectations and reality.

Everything falls into place after a while

The decline in romantic expectations is just the beginning. Two people can be very smart and realistic, but when they become a couple, certain aspects (ideas, thoughts, behaviors, emotions, etc.) are no longer in the right place. There are many cases in a stable relationship where both sides ask themselves if they made a big mistake when choosing the other person as their partner.

This is how love is: contradictory. Negative tension in the relationship is the rule, not the exception to the rule. And there is no kind of relationship as full of differences as a romantic relationship.

A mistake you can easily forgive a child or friend can explode when it comes to a partner. All passions, including anger, are just part of the routine.

Each couple creates secret rules without being aware of it. One will be strong and the other will take refuge under their wings. Or one will be understanding and the other will be demanding. One will be upset enough for both of them, and the other will calm the situation.

The partnership is not just based on devotion. It is also based on strong psychological mechanisms that are usually unconscious. So when a person does not obey these unwritten rules, negative tension in the relationship arises.

Some people do not accept that this is exactly how true love works. They do not want to reject the imagination of a prefect balanced relationship that combines perfection with the idea of ​​love with big K.

But they also do not want to reject love that balances out their mistakes. The kind where there is no negative tension in the relationship, only constant happiness and a “happy all his days”. The kind of love that does not require forgiveness. But they will never find it because it simply does not exist.